Lent, during my childhood, was the dreaded exercise of giving up something that I like in order to please God. The underlying message being that God wants us to be unhappy for His sake.
What nonsense.
Not that there's anything wrong with renouncing something we'd normally crave. That's a spiritual exercise that can lead to surprising freshness and freedom.
By contrast, there is everything wrong with teaching children that God is He Who wants you to be without chocolate. Or TV. Especially when there is not much happiness in your life to start with, this message is damaging. It conveys a false view of God and a false view of self.
What it taught me was this: I was never enough. Never good enough, never desireless enough, never unhappy enough to please the god who delights in deprivation.
Now, of course, I know that the message of the Gospel is actually the opposite of that. What it really says it that we are accepted, no matter what. And that we are called to live a life of fullness. Times of elation and sad moments and boring, rainy days and the deep, calm joy of faith, all in unguarded abundance.
Which is, in a way, even harder to bear. For it calls us to accept ourselves as we are and life as it is. To leave behind all our neurotic attempts at manipulating self and life to conform to our whims.
And over the years, I have come to realize that giving up stuff for Lent was actually just another attempt at manipulation, borne out of the deep-rooted idea that I was not enough, not worthy to encounter God unless I deprive myself of some random pleasure.
I uncovered my deepest neurosis: trying to manipulate God into giving me happiness by making myself unhappy.
Hence, the best thing for me to give up for Lent is the idea that I have to give up something for Lent.
If there is something in my life that needs to be examined during this season of introspection, it will make itself known. In the meantime, I'm sticking to the little habits of life, finally knowing that I am, truly, enough.
Chocolate, anyone?
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